Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose

More and more lately, I’ve wanted to quit my job and go to culinary school.

Maybe I should stop watching Food Network?

I took my first hot yoga class today. It kicked my ass in everywhere, but right now I feel this sense of peace and calmness that I have never felt before. All of my worries from the past 2 months have temporarily floated away. It’s strange, but satisfying.

I went to a headache clinic for my migraines last week and the doctor gave me 2 different types of medications to try. One is a triptan…my previous doctor prescribed a triptan before and I had awful side effects. The new doctor assured me that since all triptans are different, people who experience side effects with one may not experience side effects with another. The one she prescribed me was generally well tolerated and side effects are generally mild.

Well…I took it this morning as I had a migraine while at work…and within 15 minutes I started experiencing intense side effects. After another 15 minutes of debating what to do, I finally told my boss and she allowed me to go home for the rest of the day.

So now I’m home, experiencing a heavy feeling in my arms and neck, weakness in my legs, and nausea. At least my migraine pretty much went away…

I feel like I’m failing the two of the most important people in my life: my brother and Matt. I’m trying to be supportive during their times of need. I’m trying to be strong for them. Confident for them. But I’m not. I hate that I’m failing them. I believe in both of them. I love both of them. I know both of them can and will succeed in what they are trying to accomplish. But there’s this wall. I’ve become distant to my brother and acting selfish towards Matt. I don’t know why I’m failing. I feel helpless. Useless.

This was a rollercoaster weekend. Friday was awful. I didn’t get into another business school. That in and of itself is fine, it was just that this was another east coast school. I have one last chance to get into a school back east and be near Matt. I’m not trying to plan my life around him, but I can’t do long distance forever. We need to be near each other at some point and date like a normal couple. Yeah, one of us could move and find a job and we’re both willing to do that, but I’m just worried that’ll put a lot of pressure on the relationship really quickly. Moving for school seems like less pressure. Anyways, not getting in lead to “what the hell are we going to do” conversations and those are so tough and make me cry and cry and cry.

Saturday was full of lab report writing, basketball watching, more crying, and hitting the bars in Pacific Beach. I spent Sunday procrastinating on my lab report by cleaning our entire apartment and then we eventually went out to In Cahoots, a fun little country bar where I had a blast.

I feel like pictures add some spice to rambling text posts. Aren’t my roommates so pretty? They rule.

Thankfully, I have today off. I woke up with a treat - one of the places I applied to called me back and want to “have a chat.” I’m so excited! This place is called Molecular Response and I would just be an administrative assistant, but hey, it’s a real job. The only interview I’ve gotten so far was as a waitress haha. I don’t know if I want to work in biotech as a career, but as a biology student who wants to get into business, I think this is the smartest route to take. It makes sense for a bio student to work in a lab and most of the labs I applied to (all as admin assistants) specifically required a BS in Biology. For most of these jobs, I’d do a lot of receptionist stuff, but I would also get to help procure grants, set up clinical trials, prepare presentations, etc. I think I would really like it. I called the lady back but I think she was on her lunch break.

Also…23 days till I graduate and 30 days till I go to New York! Yay

The end of the school year always causes me to reflect more than the end of the calendar year.

I just finished my 3rd year of college. Holy moses. I can’t believe I’ve lived down in San Diego for 3 years. I can’t believe I’ve only known Amanda, Emma, Morgan, and Paul for only 3 years. It feels like I’ve known them my whole life. I can’t believe I’ve only known Henderson and Brent for a year. That’s just mind boggling. I can’t believe that I’m one year away from finishing college. I can’t believe I’m 6 months away from turning 21. I can’t believe how fast life is flying by. I love it because I’m enjoying it, but hate it because I don’t want these years to end.

We’re moving out of our apartment this week. I am so sad. The Jungle has been such a fun place to live. Sure, it was stressful at times. Sure, we had problems. Sure, it was loud. Sure, I hated dealing with bills and rent. But it was really nice to take care of our own shit and not depend on the school or my parents to set up appointments or call the maintenance man or whatever. I will say though that always having food in the house was a bit of a challenge. But whatever, it’s college. Who cares if I eat a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (yes, that did happen once. Or twice.) But living with my 3 best friends? There are no words to describe how awesome that is. I didn’t need to leave the apartment because the people I would want to see were already living there. Our parties were hilarious and fun, our nights when we just stayed in and watched TV were equally hilarious and fun. It’s actually funny, Amanda, Morgan, Emma and I only lived together for one quarter and that was hands down my favorite quarter of my entire college career. Then Amanda left for Italy in January and Jen moved in. And when Jen moved in is when all the problems started. But, regardless, it was still fun. Morgan and Emma kept me sane. And come September, the four of us will all hopefully be living together again and the real fun can start.

School was a bitch this year. My classes were hard, I was working 2 jobs, I had an internship. But I actually learned a lot and enjoyed most of my classes. At this point, I’m in a pickle. I’m not sure if I want to continue down the medical school path or not, and the thought of applying/going to business school is exciting me. But, at the same time, I love science. So much. It fascinates me. And it’s been so rewarding pouring over my books for hours on end until I finally understand the chemistry behind how muscles contract or how microRNAs silence genes. I still have another year to decide what I want to do and I’m trying not to worry about it too much this summer. Because it will drive me crazy.

3rd year is in the books. Let’s see what 4th year has in store. But first…it’s time for some summer fun.

I have this weird thing where I feel guilty if I drink orange juice on a regular basis. Strange, I know. But it’s because growing up, my brother would drink a lot of orange juice. It got to the point that my parents had to tell him to cut back because it’s full of sugar and would ruin his appetite. So I’ve been unconsciously (well, I suppose I’m aware of it) conditioned to not drink orange juice…like ever. I pretty much only drink water or tea.

The only time I feel justified in drinking orange juice is when I’m sick. I guzzle that shit down. I remember one particular sickness freshmen year I had an entire carton of orange juice - in an hour and half. I usually don’t have an appetite when I’m sick, so it provides much needed calories in addition to being a huge placebo effect.

Only downside? The citrus makes my throat all scratchy. But it’s just so tasty. I can’t stop.

I wish, I want, I wait, I hope, I procrastinate, I plan, I pray…

When will I learn to just do?

Instead, I constantly worry about the future.

Instead of thinking “okay, Afshawn, you’re studying physiology tonight until you feel ready for your test.” I think…

“Okay, Afshawn, you’re studying physiology tonight until you feel ready for your test. But don’t stay up too late because you have to be up at 8:30 tomorrow, and you are already lacking in sleep as is. And don’t forget that you need to be up early Saturday morning, oh, and that tomorrow you need to type up your notes for work to turn in on Saturday. You really need to go grocery shopping, so do that Sunday when you get back from LA. Oh, don’t forget your strapless bra when you go to LA. Also, you probably should go to the gym on Sunday cause you haven’t worked out in 2 weeks. You also need to return that pack of shirts to Target and buy a new pillow. Your sociology paper is due on Friday, and you really really need to catch up on molecular bio next week. Finals are soon, so start figuring out your study schedule. Also, you really need to get letters of recommendation from your professors next quarter. And figure out if you’re going to buy a parking permit next quarter or not. You also need to save more money for your east coast trip this summer. Stop buying things you really don’t need, like that coffee from Starbucks. Start deciding now if you want to take a $2,000 MCAT prep course after you graduate in December or if you are going to study on your on. Because if you study on your own you need to make sure to find the best prep books. You also have to find a job after you graduate, cause you’re going to lose both of your on campus ones, and you’re going to need to start paying your own rent if you want to stay in San Diego, so it has to be well paying. But, right. Physiology tonight. Do that first.”

And I’m not even exaggerating a little bit.

Step 1: Put feelings into bottle.

Step 2: Cap it.

Step 3: Hide it in the cupboard.

Repeat as necessary.

It’s kinda like a rollercoaster. But not quite. So you know how on the way up you’re absolutely terrified and you sort of know what’s coming (a huge drop, among other things) but you’re not 100% sure what to expect? That’s like when you’re doing something new (like college, for example) or even when you’re stuck in a rut. You know it’s going to change sooner or later, but you just don’t know. And you know when you’re going down the drop, through the loops and cork screws? And you’re loving every second of it, but at the same time you know it’s going to end soon? That’s like the good times - you’re loving life, but there is always that feeling that it is going to end before you know it, (the good times, life, etc) so you better enjoy it while you can.

And then the ride ends and all you want to do is go on it again.

One of my best friends, Kristi, and I haven’t lived in the same city since sophomore year of high school, so we keep a journal  that we write in for a few months and mail back and forth. We’re on number 4, I think. And sometimes she asks me questions for me to answer, and this was one of the questions. And this was my answer. It’s how I see it anyways.